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1.So a straight guy walks into a gay bar. He says to the bar tender, "I'll have a beer." Two gay guys sitting at the bar next to him say," would you like to have a farting contest with us?" The straight guy says," sure!" So the first gay guy farts and it sounds like a nice cool breeze Then the second gay guy farts and it also sounds like a nice cool breeze Now it is the straight guys turn and he lets out a long, stinky, loud fart. The two gay guys look at each other and say, "Must be a Virgin"
2.super man was flyin over some buildings when he saw wonderwoman , he said to himself " man i should go get some of that super puss " since superman ws the fastest thing in the world he said why all of a sudden wonderwoman saw a big flash and asked her invisible friend " did u c that " the invisible guy said " no but man my ass hurts "
3.there was a neuf and american and a canadien they were traped on a island and the closest land was 10 km away the american said i'm gona swim 4 it , he went 5 km then drowned the canadian said i'm don't want to die with a neuf so he went 5 km then drowned . the nuef said i might as well try , so he went 5 km and got tired , so then he swam back to the island
4.>> A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is >> an American. She asks her students to raise their >> hands if they were American too. Not really knowing >> why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands >> explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There >> is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has >> not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her >> why she has decided to be different. >> "Because I am not an American." Then, asks the >> teacher, what are you? "I'm a proud Canadian," boasts >> the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed >> now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she >> is a Canadian. >> "Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian >> too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," >> she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and >> your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" >> >> A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an >>>>>>> >> >> American."
5. there was a packie , a canadien and a american they went to a bar and all had a beer , the bar tender said u can keep the mug , the american throu his mug against the wall and said " i have to many back home " the packie did the same thing he throu his mug against the wall and said " i have to many back home . the canadien said thank you to the bar tender i will keep the mug but , then he picked up the packie and said " we have to many of these back home " then he throu him out the window
6.Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly
man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while
sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and
the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me
my Red Shirt." The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's
red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his
men into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two
pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and
once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious
over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on
the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them
asked the captain, "Sir, why do you call for your red shirt
before battle?" The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the
attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men
will continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of
such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next
morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates
ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at
the captain and waited for his usual reply.
Captain Bravo calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."
7.Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said
"Sorry, no professionals."
8.Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
9.You know you're a Redneck if you removed the back seat from
your car so all yer kids could fit in.
10.there was a little boy and he shared bunk beds with his 20 year old sister , she had the top bunk . 1 nite she brought her boyfriend over and he said we r gona have sex if i go to hard say lettuce and if i go to soft say tomato , so they were doin it and all u hear is " lettuce lettuce lettuce tomato lettuce lettuce lettuce lettuce lettuce tomato lettuce lettuce toamto , all of a sudden...the little boy says can u guys stop ur gettin mayo all over my face
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On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe
storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to
worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in
particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of
the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells,
"Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth
to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a
woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who
can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their
own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate
woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in
the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman,"
he says. He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair
and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange
man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across
his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his
shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."
- Todays Yo Momma Joke:
Yo momma teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!
- Todays Blonde Joke:
Q: What do beer bottles and blondes have it common?
A: They are both empty from the neck up.
- Todays Redneck Joke:
You know you're a Redneck if you wish your outhouse was as
nice as those at the state park.
Newest jokes
An old man and a old lady went in the doctor's office to have
there yearly exam done. The doctor came in and started to get
some information from them. He then told the old man that he
needed to have a stool sample and a urine sample.
The old man turned to the old lady and asked, 'what'd he said?'
She looked at him and said, 'he needs a pair of your underwear.'
- Todays Yo Momma Joke:
Yo momma so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
- Todays Blonde Joke:
Q: What's the difference between a blond and a brick?
A: When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around.
- Todays Redneck Joke:
You know you're a Redneck if your toilet paper has page
numbers on it.
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Today's NEW JOKES
"I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to
Priscilla.
"But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla
responded.
"He did. That's why I have to take every precaution."
A GUIDE TO SEX FOR VIRGINSAs a young, modern virgin of the nineties, you no doubt have many
questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this
sensitive and frank "question and answer" format, noted sex
therapist Dr Ruth explains everything you've ever wondered about.
Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams ?
A: This is a difficult question, since every virgin probably has
a different ideal of what their own personal Prince Charming
should act and look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr
Right, I can give you a good suggestion on where to start - and
that's in a bar. That's right, go to a bar... preferably the kind
that smells of stale beer and lots of men crowded around watching
a sports event on television. Pick a man that looks interesting -
it's best to stay away from the shallow "pretty boys" in designer
clothes with bulging muscles. Instead, I recommend you pick
somebody a little older and wiser, possibly reassuring pot belly.
Boldly approach him, offer to buy him a few beers, then invite
him back to your place. He'll advise you from there.
Q: How do I know if I found Mr. Right ?
A: Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I
suggest you try out many different kinds of men and many
different kinds of bars.
Q: Do men like aggressive virgins?
A: Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often shy -
so it's up to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don't be
afraid to approach men on street corners, in restaurants, and
even in restrooms. Break the ice with simple "hello" followed by
an offer to buy them dinner, drinks, or even an expensive gift.
Then invite them to back to your place.
Q: What if a man's married ?
A: Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable
experience a married man possesses, without being tied down by
any sort of commitment.
Q: But what if I fall in love with a married man ?
A: This is a tough one, especially if you're a woman and find
yourself pregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and
family. If he says his wife doesn't understand him and he's
thinking of leaving her, believe him and continue your
relationship, secure in the knowledge that he'll soon make good
his promise. Married men rarely lie about such important matters.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it
comes to love and sex, experienced men are much more responsible,
since they're not confused emotionally as virgins. It's a proven
fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to
remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without
question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things
that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last ?
A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel
ashamed or embarrassed. After your man has finished making love,
he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out
with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such
as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of
consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal
thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone
you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his
apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive
gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is "Afterplay" ?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish
his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important
activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes
lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing
him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out
and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?
A: Yes. Although many virgins believe that quality, not quantity,
is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average
erect male penis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer
than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's
sexual organ is seven centimeters or over, you should go down on
your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible
to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment
and buying him an expensive gift.
Q: What about the orgasm ?
A: What about it ? There's no such thing. It's a myth.
Q: Are you sure ?
A: Will you stop asking so many questions ? Do you distrust
experienced men or something? Instead, prove how much you care
for your boyfriend by going out and buying him an expensive gift
VIAGRA
A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a
Wal-mart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed
to it. When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist. He
comes out and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly,
"Do you sell Viagra here?"
The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."
The man then says, "Do you think I could get it over the
counter?"
The pharmacist looks at him for a moment and then says, "Perhaps
if you took 5 or 6 pills at once you might."
A great retierment present
The neighborhood postman was retiring after 25 years. On his last
day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him
something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left
money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and
invited him in for a meal. This went on all through the
neighborhood. As he proceeded through his route, the gifts got
better and better. One house even gave him a gold watch!
He was so satisfied, but the last house paled in comparison. As
he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened, and the
woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited
him inside. He knew that this woman's husband was a truck driver
and was away, so he went inside. She proceeded to give him the
day and night of his life.
The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him
breakfast in bed. He found a dollar bill under his plate as he
ate and asked her about it. She explained, "When I called my
husband to tell ask him what we should give you for your
retirement, he said, 'screw him, give him a dollar.' Breakfast
was my idea."
Tales of the rich slut
A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots the
beautiful woman walking in on the arm of some nasty schlep. He
asks the bartender about it and is suprised to discover that
she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed
that someone so attractive could be available to him.
The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she's
there again, only this time alone. The guy works up his nerve
and approached her.
"Is is true you're a prostitute?" (always a good opening line,
btw).
"Why sure, big boy. What can I do for you?" she replies.
The guy responds, "well, I don't know. What do you charge?"
"I get just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there."
"!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?"
The guy looks out the front window, and sure enough there's a
shiny new Ferarri parked ouside.
"I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs.
Trust me, it's worth it."
The guy mulls over it for a while and decides what the hell. He
leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable evening. This
handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his
miserable life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eargerly for her to
show up. When she does, he immediatly approches her.
"Last night was incredible!"
"Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blowjobs."
"How much is that?"
""
"!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street?"
The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building.
"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow
jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He
leaves with her, and once again is not dissappointed. He nearly
faints twice.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.
"I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me to go
all the way?"
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the
street, between buildings so he can see Manhattan.
"You see that island?"
"Oh, c'mon. You can't mean that!" She nods her head. "You bet.
Had I been a woman, I'd own that island!"
Which body part goes to heaven first
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular
day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body
went to heaven first. One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have
a mind in order to believe in God".
The teacher praised the little girl, as a little boy raised his
hand. The little boy says, "I think your heart goes to heaven
first because God is all about love".
"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw
Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no", she thought I'm not gonna like
this, "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes
to heaven first?" Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says,
"Your feet".
The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven
first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parent's bedroom
last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said,
"Oh God, I'm coming!"
the proxy father
The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently
been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers." Under the
government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant
through the first five years of her marriage may request the service
of a proxy father; a government employee who attempts to solve the
couple's problem by impregnating the wife.
The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due
to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government
man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer
rings the bell................
Ms Smith: "Good morning."
Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come
to....."
Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you."
Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies,
especially twins."
Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in
and have a seat."
Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"
Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this
is the right thing to do."
Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."
Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the
bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject
to really spread out.
Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked
for Harry and me."
Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every
time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from
six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the
results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to
please.'"
Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take
his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but
you'd be disappointed with that."
Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"
Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just
look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on
top of a bus in downtown London."
Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"
Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town.
They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."
Ms Smith: "She was?"
Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to
Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked
under such impossible conditions. People were crowding
around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?"
Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got
so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and
yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid
I had to ask a couple of men restrain her. By that time
darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots.
When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just
packed it all in."
Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"
Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider
my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my
patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one
in the front window of a big department store."
Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."
Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my
tripod so that we can get to work."
Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on.
It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm
shooting. Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's
fainted!"
Perfect penis
There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little
girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?"
The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mom
calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he
sees his dad on the couch.
He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?"
The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a
matter of fact this is the perfect penis."
The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods.
The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis
and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches
smaller it would be the perfect penis!"
The frog and the endowed
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well
endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get
any women to have sex with him. No men either, one would think.
Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but
sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.
Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to
a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that
lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog
says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as
anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the
frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?"
he calls to the frog.
Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is
great, he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"
he asks the frog.
Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit
excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he
calls across again, "Will you marry me?"
Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you?
No. No. NO!"
Lil Jonnhy and suzzy
Little Johnny and Suzy have almost nothing to do one day while in
the house playing. All of a sudden, Johnny gets this great idea.
"Let's take turns sliding down the banister rail!" he suggests.
"Oh no," answers Suzy, "That's way too scary."
"No, it's not," says Johnny, "it'll be fun!" And he proceeds to
the top of the stairs. The banister rail is long and very smooth
with a beautiful big marble ball at its base. Johnny climbs on
and down he goes, squealing with excitement as he goes. He jumps
off just before he gets to the marble ball at the bottom. "That
was great," he says. "Come on, you try now."
Suzy still isn't quite sure that this is such a good idea. "No,"
she says, "It looks too scary."
"No, it's not," said Johnny, and away he goes again to the top of
the stairs. He climbs on and down he goes again, having just as
much fun as he did the first time. He jumps off just before the
marble ball at the bottom. "You gotta try this, it's the best!"
urges Johnny.
Well, little Suzy isn't one to stay scared for very long and this
really does look like fun, so she agrees. To the top of the
stairs she goes. She straddles the banister rail, and slowly
lets go with her hands. Down she goes, a lot faster than she
expected. WHAM! Right into the marble ball at the bottom.
Little Suzy starts to cry and almost falls off the banister rail.
When Johnny sees her so upset, crying ever harder and holding her
groin where she collided with the marble ball, he gets a little
scared that maybe she has really hurt herself.
"Maybe you'd better let me see," suggests Little Johnny.
So Suzy lifts her little dress and pulls down her panties.
Little Johnny's face goes pale white.
"OH, NO!" he shouts. "THIS IS HORRIBLE! YOU KNOCKED IT RIGHT
OFF!!"
EMBARRESSING RADIO
On the morning show at a radio station in Chicago they play a
game for prizes usually vacations and such, called "Mate Match."
The DJ's ring someone at work and ask if they are married or in a
serious relationship.
If yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions that
vary from couple to couple and asked for their significant others
name and work phone number. If the significant other answers
correctly then they are winners.
This particular day it got interesting:
DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"?
Contestant:(laughing) Yes I do.
DJ: What is your name? First only please.
Contestant: Brian
DJ: Are you married or what Brian?
Brian: Yes.
DJ:"Yes"? Does this mean your are married?.or what? Brian?
Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.
DJ: Thank you Brian. OK, now, what is your wife's name?
First only please Brian.
Brian: Sara.
DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?
Brian:(laughing) Yes she is.
DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you
had sex?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man.
Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.
DJ: Atta boy.
Brian:(laughing sheepishly) Well.
DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?
Brian: About 10 minutes.
DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have
said that if there weren't a trip at stake.
Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.
DJ: OK. Final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this
morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm...
DJ: This sounds good Brian where was it?
Brian: Not that it was all that great just that her mom is
staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking
a shower at the time.
DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!
Brian: On the kitchen table.
DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last
hundred times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will
put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her
up. You listen to this.
(Advertisements)
DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara shall we? (touch tones
*ringing*)
Clerk: Kinko's.
DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?
Clerk: This is she.
DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with
Brian for a couple of hours now
Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?
DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian
knows not to give away any answers or you lose. Soooooooo,
do you know the rules of "Mate Match"?
Sara: No
DJ: Good.
Brian: (laughing)
Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?
Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly OK?
Sara: Oh, Brian
DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you 3 questions and if
you answer what Brian has said then the 2 of you are off to
Orlando Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to
Disney World, Sea World and tickets to see the Orlando Magic
play. Get it Sara? SARA! GET IT Orlando Magic, they are on
strike Sara "helloooooo" anyone home?!?!
Sara: (laughing hard) YES, yes.
Brian:(laughing)
DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?
Sara: Oh God, Brian...this morning before Brian went to work.
DJ: What time?
Sara: About 8 I think. (sound effect) DING DING DING
DJ: Very good. Next question: How long did it last?
Sara: 12,15 minutes maybe.
DJ: hhmmmmm
Background voice in studio: That's close enough. I am sure she
is trying not to harm his manhood.
DJ: Well, we will give you that one. Last question: Where did you
do it?
Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?!
Brian: Just tell him honey.
DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara?
Sara: Well, It's just that my mom is vacationing with us and...
DJ: SHE SAW?!?!
Sara: BRIAN?!?!
Brian: NO, no I didn't...
DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your
answer?
Sara: Dear Lord,..I cannot believe you told them this.
Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida.
DJ: Let's go Sara we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?
Sara: In the ass.
(long pause)
DJ: We will be right back.
(advertisements)
DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio
and these things do happen. Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to
lovely Orlando, Florida.
LETTUCE AND TOMATOE IN BED
This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in highschool,
unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger
brother who is about 5 or 6.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little
fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little
brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal
climb up to the top bunk.
As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembering
that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his
girlfriend to whisper,"lettuce" if she wants it harder and
"tomato" if she wants a new position.
"Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce," it sounds.
Then the little brother chimes in, "Hey, would you guys stop
making sandwiches up there, you're getting mayonaise all over my
face."
WE'RE MAKING BABIES
Dad came home one day in an exceptionally horny mood and took his
wife upstairs for sex. Just when they were really getting into
it, their young son entered the room and started to cry.
"What's wrong, son?" the father asked. "Why are you crying?"
"You're hurting my mommy," the little boy replied.
"No, no," the father reassured, "I'm not hurting her. We are
making babies."
This seemed to calm the boy, and when he left the room the couple
went back to their business.
The next day the father came home from work and found his son on
the steps, crying.
"What's the matter NOW?" asked Dad.
His son replied, "It's those babies you were making with mommy
yesterday. The mailman is upstairs eating them!"
MOM EXPLAINS SEX TO HER DAUGHTER
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her
youngest daughter walks in.
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get
married. One night they go into their room...they kiss
and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.)
That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's
vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and
daddy's room, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What
do you get when a you do that?
Mom: Jewelry, dear.
WHATS FOR SUPPER HONEY?
A young couple, married just a couple weeks, returns from their
honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next
morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way
to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.
So the husband inquires, "What's wrong Honey?"
"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big
breakfast but I can't cook or clean."
The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there
sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up
to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast."
So, off they went to the bedroom.
That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new
wife crying again in the kitchen.
"What's wrong now, Sweetie?"
"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make
you something for lunch and I just can't cook."
Again, the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up
to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"
So, off they went to the bedroom again.
That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and
sees his new bride sliding down the banister of the stairs naked.
Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister, again.
After the third trip the husband asks, "What the heck are you
doing honey?"
To which the new bride replies, "Warming up your supper!"
10. You've got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
And the number one reason why it sucks to be a dick:
1. Everytime you get excited, you throw up.
THE AGE TEST
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends
,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home
he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says
to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old
do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order
taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look
about 29".
"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same
question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is
going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a
mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will
be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let
her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady
says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."
GRANDMA GIVES ADVICE TO HER GRANDDAUGHTER
There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first
time and she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those
young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to
like that, but don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are
going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to
try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like
that, but don't let him do that.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to
try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are
going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace
the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her
date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as
the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him
disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on
top of him and disgraced his family."
10 reasons y it sucks to be a dick
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This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building.
He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the
window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into
the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over
to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he
re-appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour
later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says,
"hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds,
"oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it
makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just
hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down
to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try
that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the
window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The
bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman,
you're an asshole when you're drunk."
- Todays Yo Momma Joke:
Yo momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the
pound.
- Todays Blonde Joke:
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
- Todays Redneck Joke:
You know you're a Redneck if Jack Daniels makes your list
of "Most Admired People".
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SEX JOKES rating ***** and up RATED PG13 and R
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Got any jokes send em to me and ill put em up
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Edit a custom page for your Web site:
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Thats MO like it
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